shantaram.

i am honestly suprised i finished this book...for the sole reason that it is almost ONE THOUSAND pages long.
its a brick.
i was intimidated at first, but i knew i had to read it.
i was buying the lonely planet book for india - when the check out guy told me "you HAVE to read 'shantaram,'" i wrote it down.
then i saw it at elisa's house, sitting on the bookshelf.
then my friend nicole said she was thinking of reading it.
anyway, when there are three signs, its meant to be.
everyone knows that.

it took me a couple months to finish, but it has become one of my favorite books. Gregory David Roberts (the author) has created a website and a following around this book with seminars and discussion forums. its kind of a big deal :)

here are a few of my favorite quotes from the book...

"I dont know what frightens me more, the power that crushes us, or our endless ability to endure it." (Karla)

"Sometimes we love with nothing more than hope. Sometimes we cry with everything except tears. In the end that's all there is: love and its duty, sorrow and its truth. In the end that's all we have - to hold on tight until the dawn."

"It's forgiveness that makes us what we are. Without forgiveness, our species would've annihilated itself in endless retributions. Without forgiveness, there would be no history. Without that hope, there would be no art, for every work of art is in some way an act of forgiveness. Without that dream, there would be no love, for every act of love is in some way a promise to forgive. We live on because we can love, and we love because we can forgive."

"One of the ironies of courage and why we prize it so highly, is that we find it easier to be brave for somone else than we do for ourselves alone."

"Heroin is a sensory deprivation tank for the soul. Floating on the dead sea of the drug stone, there's no sense of pain, no regret or shame, no feelings of guilt or grief, no depression and no desire. The sleeping universe enters and envelops every atom of existence. Insensible stillness and peace disperse fear and suffering. Thoughts drift like ocean weeds and vanish into distant, grey somnolency, unpercieved and indeterminable. The body succumbs to cryogenic slumber: the listless heart beats faintly, and breathing slowly fades to random whispers. Thick nirvanic numbness clogs the limbs, and downward, deeper, the sleeper slides and glides towards oblivion, the perfect and eternal stone."


"And I looked at the men, the brave and beautiful men beside me, running into the guns and God help me for thinking it, and God forgive me for saying it, but it was glorious, it was glorious, if glory is a magnificient and raptured exaltation. It was what love would be like, if love were a sin. It was what music would be, if music could kill you. And I climbed a prison wall with every running step."

"Nothing in any life, no matter how well or poorly lived, is wiser than failure or clearer than sorrow. And in the tiny precious wisdom they give to us, even those dreaded and hated enemies, suffering and failure, have their reason and their right to be."

parlez vous francais?

before going on trips, tayler and i make "to do" lists. ranging from riding elephants to getting tattoos to eating grubs. we had just gotten back from what seemed like one of the hardest countries to backpack through, or survive in - india. and now we were going to paris. the things on our list were to: drink wine. eat crepes. and kiss a boy under the eiffel tower (no. 13 on my bucket list).
well, i'll just say that we had plenty of wine and crepes.
but, as it turns out, there are no single people in paris.
not even one.

we arrived in style and class (first class) and stayed with the most perfect couchsurfer - Romeric (pronounced rome-eerrrrr-eek, roll the 'r'). um... you could see the sacre coeur from his window. and he was more excited about showing us around than we were..."and THEN we will have a picnic at the norte dame!" amazing. we spent our days riding bikes and singing and taking breaks for baguettes and cigarettes.
i dont smoke, but i do on occasions like these ;)

so...with meeting our new friend romeric,
haning out with carlie and friends (she ran the paris marathon),
drinks and conversations with the crepe guys (conversations like, "sooo....what did you do before you...made crepes?"),
getting lost down the cutest parisian alleyways,
riding bikes in the middle of the night and just overall immersing ourselves in all that is french.
i would say that yes, it was the "most perfect weekend."

off to watch "amelie"...au revoir!

bucket list.

in honor of turning 27 ive decided to make an official "bucket list."

1.) swim with whale sharks.
2.) go to the world cup.
3.) climb mount kilimanjaro.
4.) buy a nice camera and take a photography class.
5.) go to sturgis on a motorcycle.
6.) go to burning man.
7.) go on a safari and victoria falls (see a lion in the wild).
8.) see the northern lights.
9.) cook...anything.
10.) eat steak and drink wine in argentina.
11.) master a few songs on the piano.
12.) eat my own placenta.
13.) kiss a boy under the eiffel tower.
14.) write a kids book.
15.) deliver babies in africa.
16.) sleep in a haunted house.
17.) fall truly, madly, deeply in love.
18.) adopt a kid.
19.) wear a big hat and drink a mint julep at the kentucky derby.
20.) publish an article in a travel magazine.
21.) go ice climbing.
22.) learn spanish and danish.
23.) go back to laos. take someone.
24.) dive at night through a ship wreck.
25.) hike the annapurna circuit.
26.) compete in a salsa dancing competition.
27.) get a (meaningful) tattoo :)

delhi belly.

we were finally leaving delhi. we had booked our whole trip and it involved a lot of trains! we were looking forward to the experience and excited for the adventure. but we also were starting to feel sick.

"when you get to the train station DONT show your ticket to ANYONE. dont ask anyone any questions. find the train number on the board and then find the platform and then go to that platform. this is going to be a culture shock. there are not going to be other women or tourist. its a five hour train ride and the doors stay open which mean beggars are on and off. watch your stuff. dont sleep. dont accept or buy anything from anyone...they will try to poison you and steal your stuff. any questions?"

"um...yeah. where can i throw up?" i said. completely serious.

"what?" he looks at me confused.

i walk out the door and throw up on a bunch of trash.

I thought it was the end of my sickness. i thought we would just get a 24 hour food poisoning thing. i thought i was incapable of getting "culture shock." i thought i would adjust to india a little quicker.

but for the next week tayler and i saw the worst of each other. we couldnt keep anything down. we didnt eat. i would try to drink water but i couldnt keep that down. i just laid in bed thinking of how INDIA really stands for "Ill Never Do It Again."

life in an ashram.

i was waiting for Sassi to come pick me up.
it had been four days.
four loooong days in an ashram. tayler was out bathing elephants somewhere and i was leaving to go....home, i guess.
this whole ashram thing wasnt even part of our plan! ok...it wasnt part of MY plan. i didnt even know what an ashram was when i stepped into this place.

of course the only preparation i did was glance of the "home page" from their website:

"The Sivananda Yoga Vedanta Dhanwantari Ashram is set in 12 acres of tropical splendour in the foothills of Kerala's Western Ghats. The natural beauty of Neyyar Dam, the forested surroundings, the cool green coconut tree groves and colourful flower-filled views, all offer an ideal atmosphere for the practice of yoga and meditation.

The ashram program covers classical yoga techniques, taught in a warm and friendly environment, helps to instil in guests a deep awareness of the spiritual essence of life."

sounds great.
ha.
what it doesnt tell you is that you wake up at 5am for about an HOUR of "meditation" and singing- "ok everyone sit with your back straight, eyes closed, while repeating your "mantra" for the next 30 minutes."
Tayler and I just look at each other.
"30 minutes?" tayler mouths to me.
"what's a mantra?" i ask back.

and so there we were. the clueless western girls who just wanted to read our novels (reading novels is forbidden at the ashram) and eat a hamburger (again maybe this was just me).
but i can honestly say, after my experience at the ashram, that i have more respect and understanding for meditation and yoga and the benefits it can have for the mind, body and soul.

since ive been back i admit that i havent embraced meditation as much as ive intended. and although meditation stems from buddism, i believe that it can be a substantial part of my relationship with God. I think the act of surrendering my own thoughts can allow myself to connect with God on a different level. so much of my relationship has been based on how I have interpreted Him to be or have wanted him to be. so i think ill start with meditating on a few words or a verse.
ill let you know how it goes ;)

namaste.

what was i thinking?

"last call for flight 856 to Delhi"
I had been hanging out/sleeping at the London Heathrow airport for the last nine hours and I was holding off on boarding the flight.
to india.
what was i thinking?
i dont know anything about india. and tayler didn't make her flight, so i was going alone. to INDIA!! I was arguing/talking to myself as the line crept closer.
frantically looking around for ANYONE who looked normal, spoke english, had a backpack. this was plan A - find a friend and ask them to take me with them, where ever it is they were going.
my seat was something like "42J." middle seat and i just stared straight ahead, lonely planet on my lap. counting how many minutes I had to change my mind.

and then an angel from god aka 22 year old Antonin from france sat down next to me. lonely planet in hand. with the exact same expression on his face that i had.
we became friends instantly. he had booked his ticket the night before and was going to india for a six month internship in Japiur. he aslo had no idea what he was getting into. hated spicy food. and his tv on the eight hour flight was broken :) we bonded and he didnt leave my side for the next day,"our" first day in india.

the colors the smells the people the food - i was tired, but my eyes were wide open. people tell you about these places but it doesnt matter. i had to go. i had to see it for myself. and there i was drinking chai with the locals. "alone" in one of the most populated countries. i had no idea what i had just gotten myself into.

om nashi me.

i am a little behind for a new years post. not completely inspired or motivated to change anything at the moment. not because i am lazy or lack passion...but because i am what i have come to fear the most.
content.
being content and busy with meaningless daily activities is what i have protested. I will not have an 8-5 job! i will not go to church every sunday! i will not be a typical american Christian.
i will not.
i am not.
i get worried that these "things" will make me fall into the rut of the so called "american dream."

i was watching "Calliou" the other day with my nephews and Caillou was talking about how he wanted to be just like his daddy. i asked my four year old nephew "do you want to be just like your daddy when you grow up?" he says, "no."
his daddy was sitting with us and i was disappointed in his answer, thinking every kid wants to be like their daddy. after some mumbling about his brothers and winning prizes he says matter of factly - "i just want to be me."

anyway, my phrase for the year is "om nashi me." ok ok, its actually the lyrics to some hipster song by edward sharpe. which i love the song, but the meaning is a bit opaque. after some research - we decided the definition "oh infinite nakedness" fit best. which, to me means - you come on this earth with nothing and you leave with nothing. this year i want to become more of a minimalist with material things and also emotional. traveling light. forgiving easily. and "nakedness" meaning dont put up a front. be who you are. be true to yourself and be honest with your self, with God, with the people around you.
this year im not making trival goals (although im not against that idea)...but i just want to be more raw. i just want to be me.