the last couple of months have been interesting.
i have learned over time that i (and most people) evolve and change unknowingly and inevitably.
i mean there are those people that you run into from high school and you just think - you are the exact same person. you look the same, your beliefs are the same, you havent moved and, im not even kidding, they are dating the same person they were in high school.
part of me cringes because even though they might be "successful" and happy...i cant relate. i like the quote from catcher in the rye where holden visits a museum he used to go to when he was young,
"The best thing, though, in that museum was that everything always stayed right where it was. Nobody'd move. You could go there a hundred times, and that Eskimo would still be just finished catching those two fish, the birds would still be on their way south, the deers would still be drinking out of that water hole, with their pretty antlers and their pretty, skinny legs, and that squaw with the naked bosom would still be weaving that same blanket. Nobody'd be different. The only thing that would be different would be you."
I feel like life would be nicer that way. it would be simple and idealistic if everything just stayed the same. when i was younger i didnt handle change well at all. even rearranging my room made me nervous. i never threw anything away. i loved tradition and i was very controlling about every christmas and fourth of july being the same. we moved houses when i was six and i remember it was a pretty emotional time.
and then, one day, around my high school graduation i just snapped out of it. i realized nothing stays the same and i learned to accept it. i knew that if i had expectations of things or people staying the same, i was guaranteed to be let down.
although this attitude can prevent me from getting attached or making commitments it seems completely necessary for my current lifestyle and jobs. some changes are not always good but are also not in your control. i have to embrace them and accept that my reaction is important in shaping who i am and who i will become.
recently a few of my best friends have moved to portland and san diego to start new lives. the house i grew up in is being renovated and taken over by some family. its the house that built me. there is no place i would hope to stay the same more than this house. aslo this last week our apartment got broken into. ransacked. they took cameras, a computer, winter coats, my backpacking backpack packed for argentina, my journal, my wallet.
it sucks.
but at the same time. its just a reminder of what matters. i am so grateful for my family and friends and my health and my circumstances. i am extremely blessed and i dont deserve it.
and although friendships change and material things are lost...its sometime sad but it only makes me want to cherish my time with people more. i am excited for the people in my life who are being brave and adventurous and embracing life. and honestly i would expect nothing less from them. its why i feel honored to call them my friends.
Every day I want to freeze frame
Scrambling my sleep to keep this fragile frame
From the wind, from the driving rain
Soon as it begins it begins to change it's strange changes
-the weepies
