phnom phen

this is one of the major cities in cambodia. i had never heard of it before this trip. cambodia seemed like this far away country and i had no plans on visiting. and now im riding around on a motorcycle with a girl who doesnt speak any english. it is midnight and we are on our way to the night market. the city reeked of exhaust and pollution. there was trash everywhere. at the night market there was some 'cambodian style' hip hop going on and some loitering teenagers. our friend chanthos and her sister took us to a little place to get some soup (pho). the lady was making it right there on the street. it did not look clean. but we were hungry and we were guest. plus i hoped that if i added enough hot sauce, it would kill any bacteria. or something. haha.
our next day consisted of touring the killing fields, s-21 (a school turned into a prison camp), parks with wild monkeys, witnessing two motor accidcents, meeting chanthos' family, and arguing with an old american who was trying to justify buying sex. it was an overwhelming, eye-opening day. and i know the past is the past, and we just have to learn from it but i was mad and sad about the present. the day ended with me, tayler and chanthos talking. laughing. bonding. we are all young women. we are all just trying to figure out life. who we are. why we are here. and we all want to be loved. tayler and i tried to encourage chanthos to learn to read english and find a honorable job and to not settle when it comes to love and be an example to her friends. blah blah blah.
who are we but some wealthy americans traveling through.
knowing that the comfort of our home awaits us in 2 weeks.

laos.

we came back to our quaint little guest house and sat on our balcony admiring the breathtaking view. it was our first day in laos and we spent most of it as observers. the tourist town of vang vieng is known for its tubing and trapeze like swings. people were drinking and doing flips and they were writing on each-other with permanent marker. tayler and i just watched in awe. seeing how ridiculous everyone looked, we made some rules for ourselves. and despite the crazy tourist, laos was one of the most beautiful places i had ever been.
i say it out loud, "this is one of the most beautiful places i have ever been." and as i say it i feel something small crawling up my back. almost certain that its only in my head i reach my hand around to check and feel a huge spider under my dress!! as soon as i felt it, i also feel the spider BITE me! i scream like a girl. my dress was instantly on the floor and i was running around in my swim suit yelling for tayler to "GET IT OFF ME!!!" she was just slapping my back, chasing me - slapping me- she didnt see the spider. but she did see the bite. right in the middle of my back. and with out thinking i told her she had to suck out the poison. i was aware of the dangerous insects and snakes and what not in the states. i was even aware of the poisonous spiders in australia. but laos! heck i hadnt even heard of the place untill a month ago. who knows what crazy insects could be lurking on our balcony. the bite was burning and i was sure the poison was headed straight for my heart. tayler hesitated for about four seconds and then sucked the poison out and spit it in the sink. we laughed for a long time, and the burning eventually faded, but a friendship like that will last forever ;)

siam reap, cambodia

it was noon. day two of the temples. and well, tayler and i both felt satisfied. we had spent two days wandering in and out of the temples of angkor and this morning we came for the sunrise, so we were ready for lunch and a nap. we just needed to find our tuk tuk driver. a tuk tuk is a small motorized 3 wheel cart with your own driver, which you can hire for the day. or in our case, three days. we walked over to where all the other tuk tuks were hanging out and started looking for our driver - tech (his name). he had dropped us off near the front of the main temple hours ago, and we both assumed he would be hanging out with his friends/fellow tuk tuk drivers. now im not going to lie, all the tuk tuk drivers looked strikingly similar to me. but we knew tech. he had a sticker on the back of his helmet (which he never took off) that said "lucky," he loved banana smoothies (which we started, and sometimes ended, each day with), and in his tuk tuk there was a 2005 calendar, with a picture of the king, taped to the roof. we called out his name, but he was no where to be found. other tuk tuk drivers encouraged us to give up and find a new driver (themselves of course), but we would not. at last we thought of one last place he could be - the place he dropped us off. which, as we were walking over there, probably made the most since. and sure enough, there he was, helmet on and ready to drive us where ever our little hearts desired. i almost gave him a hug. but held back, knowing he had no idea we had just been looking for him for the last half hour.

first stop - thailand.

we were literally on the other side of the world. the time it took to get there was like 30 some hours. i was exhausted. or at least i should have been. adrenalin was running through my body. keeping me awake and aware. i was in thailand. and i want to fully embrace my time here. our first night we spent in a beach town. going to the beach, eating thai food, getting a massage, walking around the markets, riding elephants. we loved every minute of it.
we then headed for a place called 'patong.' all we knew was that it was a party town and it was the port town for the islands. but we arrive to patong, we were both awestruck. standing on the street with our mouths wide open. there were two kinds of people in patong. older white men. and young thai prostitutes. oh and ladyboys (transvestites). where are we? and how is this okay? i felt sad for every girl and was angry at every white guy there. we passed out some flowers to some girls, looked them in the eye and told them they were beautiful. that isnt going to change anything. we didnt know what to do. and we couldnt just sit and watch.
the whole sex trade industry has been unreal to me. i mean i knew it was going on but its never been a cause that ive felt passionate about getting involved.
but in that moment it became real.
we were surrounded. and instead of feeling "passionate about getting involved," i felt helpless and hopeless and mad and confused and overwhelmed. and my comfortable life back home felt purposeless and selfish. welcome to thailand.

and then i went to southeast asia...

so im sitting at home. looking at pictures. slightly depressed. i didnt know id be gone for three weeks. i didnt realize how much you can experience in three weeks. the people you meet. the smells, the taste, the feelings i felt. and now im back home. looking at pictures.
a couple months ago a girl tayler, (a fellow flight attendant) who had gone to london with a bunch of us earlier this year, said she was going to southeast asia and wondered if i wanted to go. um...yes.
i have been wanting to go to thailand since 2000 when i saw the movie "the beach." not just because the beach in that film looked like Paradise, but the whole country intrigues me. then in 2003 i studied abroad in austriala. i felt so close to thailand and began planning a spring break trip up there. my dad said "no." or it was more like, "hell no." great.
so now 2009. and even though my dad was still not fond of the idea (at all)...i had to go. im not staying home. im not living my life working a boring job, reading my bible in the comfort of my own house and going to church every sunday. i cant. so i go. with no real expectations. not a lot of planning. i knew we would be visiting some poor areas but i had no plan of helping or how to help. we were not going with an organization. and i dont go with the intention of sharing the gospel but simply to love the people i meet. in Christ name. whatever that means. really we were two open-minded, interested, young girls. looking for adventure.

ray

the first time i heard of ray lamontagne was with my best friend hannah...we were doing invisible children and someone had put the song "trouble" on a mix cd for her. we would blast that song in our van slash home. belting out the lyrics "TROUBLE... TROUBLE TROUBLE TROUBLE." ha. it was like therapy. especially in times of heavy traffic.
that is when i first fell in love with ray.
and so 3 years later i saw him in concert in england with some friends.
so good.
the second time was on tuesday in denver.
both times were in an opera house setting, which is always fun, but sometimes a little impersonal. how amazing it would be to see him at the walnut room or some small venue.
anyway, i would like to become one of his groupies. follow him where ever he goes.
watch this.

and this is exactly the reason why...

my little sister is definitely my dad's daughter. she wears cowboy boots and goes to gun shows. she loves country music and ever since i can remember she has been obsessed with horses. she owns four. four horses! every morning is spent feeding them. every weekend is spent riding them at westernairs. i support her hobby from a distance. honestly horses scare me a little bit. i dont mind a causal ride, but i dont like it when they run! and i dont really know what im doing. soooo...the other day my friend matt wanted to ride. i told my sister i would come if i could ride on the back with her and she said that was fine. there werent really any rules since she was in control, basically just hold on and whatever you do, DO NOT put pressure under his stomach by his back legs. ok. i can handle that. apparently the horse will buck if you kick him in that certain spot, so the whole time i was completely conscious of where my legs were. we go for a casual ride at sunset. i was totally enjoying myself. until...
we are almost home, and there is a little area that went downhill and im not really sure if i put my legs in the wrong spot or exactly what happened, but all i know is our horse, blitz, started bucking. and spinning, and bucking and im yelling. and we were flung off the horse and the next i knew we were laying on the ground and blitz had ran away. while i checked on jackie, matt went chasing after blitz. jackie was whining and in pain. but conscious. i asked her what hurt, she said her hip. we just laid there as i tried calling dad. after a few minutes matt comes back riding woody (the horse we was riding) and he had blitz!!! jackie got up and jumped on the horse. just fine. they rode back to the house together and....well....i walked. i cant believe i almost gave in to the enjoyment of horse back riding.