a poem for 2014.

I found this poem by Mary Oliver on a friends blog - she posted it while she was in Africa.


“you do not have to be good.

you do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.

you only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves.

tell me about despair, yours, and i will tell you mine.

meanwhile the world goes on.

meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain

are moving across the landscapes,

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting –

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things.”

the most wonderful time of the year.

i have a long layover in burbank and i thought it would be a perfect time to catch up on my blog. except I am sitting in a starbucks full of loud, cheerful consumerist. i am trying to drown out the obnoxious christmas music with something more relaxing. everything is distracting. burbank is full of tourist and people trying to make it. it's a 20 minute drive from the hollywood sign. outside there is a huge christmas tree with bible thumpers standing in front. the wall directly across from me is covered in posters of the counties from which some of the coffee derives...the tanzania one wont stop looking at me. it's taunting me with the rude awakening of being back in the states.
its a weird time of year to come back from africa. my sister kept saying she felt like this trip was going to "change me" more than previous trips. and yes, one of the big reasons i travel is selfishly for myself. to cleanse my mind, body and soul from whatever toxins or misconceptions i have believed about...well, life. the simplicity of being in a third world country alone automatically lowers your expectations about almost everything. i expect to get sick, for the van to break down, to not get on my flights. when i was there little things like warm showers made me so happy :) i am only in control of so much and my attitude is the difference between an ordeal and an adventure (ok, thats a direct quote from pinterest...but it's true!) it takes a lot for me to get irritated or stressed out because i just keep reminding myself of how lucky i am to be in africa and that everything good and bad is part of the experience, part of the story.
but that's africa.
now i am home and it's like i have a sense of bitterness and irritation towards...well, almost everyone. ha. all the sudden i feel allowed or entitled to have high expectations for people and things, including myself. and i am constantly being let down. i was planning on adventure and some sort of revelation in who i am and god building my character. my trip was great, it was so smooth it was almost erie. what i wasn't prepared for was america being so challenging.

Mama India.

People know Mama India all over Tanzania. Karatu, Arusha, the taxi driver at the airport. She is known and respected. She didn't come in to another country trying to change it or Americanize it or make money. She is loving and empowering the youth. She is being a mom. Which when your a kid - that's just...everything.
Here is a short video...about her well, family.

Rift Valley Children's Village

Alone in Afirca.

WHEN: Um...I have no idea.
WHERE: Amsterdam airport.
WHAT I FEEL: I got on all three flights with out a glitch. I forgot nothing. Said goodbye to everyone. I had my game face on. I will successfully experience Africa in all its glory. I laughed to myself as I boarded the flight. Are we even going to Africa? It had to be one of the touristy international flights yet. A window seat next to a small english woman. Success.

WHEN: 9:30am (Tanzania time)
WHERE: Arusha Backpackers
THOUGHTS: It was the tiniest little room with just enough room for a twin bed and my backpack. There was breakfast on the roof and I completely forgot that I'm in a country that roast good coffee. Hallelujah! I check out and the front desk calls me a taxi. Hussein. I look into his eyes and with all my intuition we exchange a handshake of trust. It's how you travel. I told him my plan - ATM and then the "Noah" (speed taxi) to Karatu. And for the next hour or two (time in Africa is hard to measure) we were friends. We had to go to multiple ATMs (imagine that) and as we got out in the bus station area we were bombarded with people trying to get my business. And yelling at Hussein in Swahali. He was kind of laughing as he carried my backpack - my puma shoes dangling on the back. "What are they saying?" I asked. He said - they wanted him to give me to them and they would pay him commission and he said no - so they said "what - is she your relative or something?" He stayed with me for the next hour as the noah filled up. 10 people in a van fit for 8. I gave him a hug and waved goodbye as we pulled out...as if he was my relative or something.

WHEN: 5:30pm
WHERE: A coffee plantation?...just near the Ngorongoro crater. 35 minutes off the main road of Karatu.
WHAT I SEE: We are in a truck capable of off roading up this green, mountainous, surreal landscape. Pascal, the driver hasnt said anything to me. And despite how bumpy the road is and how beautiful it is outside I am actually dozing off. We stop to drop off a couple people that were in the back seat and I am literally rubbing my eyes with two fists, like a child. I see two kiddos running up to me. Waving with the biggest smiles. Oh my god. They are so cute. I get teary eyed (I am jet lagged ok!)...Pascal informs me this is the school. We keep driving...through a small village with more kids waving and pull up to Rift Valley. More kids. 115 kids. I am overwhelmed and so excited that this is where I get to call home for the next three weeks...and I am no longer "alone in Africa."

Plans.

I came up with the revelation at the least convenient time. A time where I try to rid my mind of chaos, stress and ideas. But I have been stressed in the best way. A way that says LIVE! And not just for yourself. Stop being so comfortable and freakin' take advantage of your flight benefits. Traveling for me is hardly ever for vacation but to learn and grow and understand and I strive for more intention in my trips abroad but have slacked on making the effort mostly because of the false belief that I dont have the right talents - but I do. I am a 29 year old single, independent, free spirited girl and man I have time and energy and I can play with kids. I need to play with kids. So I am hoping in Novemeber or December to go to Africa for a month and volunteer at an orphanage. Just the idea of an adventure tentatively planned, calms me.

I kiiinda want to get a gun...

And here is why.

I have always been somewhat indifferent on the subject - if I had a husband and he did or did not want a gun in the house I would support either decision. I have lived alone a couple times and felt mostly helpless if somewhere were to confront me face to face. When I lived at my parent's old house I had a baseball bat and a taser that rarely worked.
Now, I live by myself again and although I do not feel unsafe, I recently had an experience that made me consider the idea of owning a gun.

My friend April and I were camping up near Buena Vista to visit our friend Jenny. We were driving down Cottonwood pass looking for the perfect place to set up camp when we came across this serene looking lake. There wasn't much room to camp around the lake and there wasn't anyone else camping, so yeah it probably wasn't a camping area, but it was BEAUTIFUL and there were no "NO camping" signs. So we found a spot and set up and then decided to go to the hot springs about 5 miles down the road. We relaxed there for most of the day - we wanted to hike of course, but the rain had been teasing us all afternoon. We had some weird and interesting conversations with the people at the hot springs. I am trying to relax (with my eyes closed) and this guys like - "hey! what's your name? where are you from? what do you do?
seriously?!
We met up with Jenny for dinner around 6:30. We of course had a lot to catch up - talking about girl stuff and life - 10pm snuck up on us fast. As april and I made our journey back to our tent, I started thinking about every scary movie I have ever seen - there was no moon. Dirt road. What if we saw a girl in white just standing on the side of the road!? or what if we saw a man standing in the middle. I kept checking the back seat. Ha. As we pulled into the lake i kept my eye out for any other cars. There was nothing. It was silent and dark. We grabbed everything we needed from the car - we were being a little loud and giggly. We finally zipped everything up and settle down. Listening to the ripples of water from the lake that was literally one foot away from our tent. Then we heard it - the sound of someone (or something) forcefully throwing a good size rock into the lake - right next to us. RIGHT NEXT TO US! April and I look at each other - "what the fuck was that?" I whisper. "I don't know" - we were both scared. This isn't a sound an animal could make. We didn't know if we should be quiet or loud. Run to the car or don't move. We didn't move. A couple minutes went by and then...it happened again! SHIT. We have to get out of this tent. Whatever it is, we are not protecting ourselves by staying in the tent. We didn't hear any laughing or other sounds which made us think it was just one creepy person. Messing with us. I slowly unzipped the tent, but it was impossible to do it quietly. I gave April my metal water bottle to use as a weapon. Ha. Key in hand I put my flip flops on the ground, looked around and walked fast straight to the car. April was right behind me - we got in and drove away fast. What the heck!? I felt a feeling of relief - just knowing my car started and we got out of there. We went to Jenny's and slept on her couch.
The next morning we went to get our stuff - everything was still there. We looked around for anyone who looked suspicious - there were now a few people fishing. As we drove out - we saw this guy in coat (not fishing) just walking - we drove slow and looked over at him - it was the creepy guy from the hot springs.
I dont know if it was him the night before. I dont know if it was even a person. All I know is that if someone tried to hurt us it would not matter how loud we screamed. We would not be able to call anyone. The only thing that we could defend ourselves with would be a gun. Right? I don't know man.

Change of address.

A surge of excitement and independence runs through me like a shot of whiskey as I sit on my front porch. Its the feeling you have when you just got a new hair cut or hair color and you feel brave and new and a little apprehensive but your confidence takes over and you adapt to a new you. The excitement last for a couple of weeks (at least for me, as I only change my hair every few years). Anyway, what I am trying to explain is the feeling of living alone in my own place. It has been anything but lonely which has actually surprised me a bit. How much I enjoy being alone. Granted I have never really thought of myself as a lonely or bored person, on a scale from one to 10 - 1 being the extreme introvert who has anxiety being around people, ever and 10 being a person who is never alone and doesn't know what to do with themselves when they are...I would say I am a solid 4.5. I think. I am also very indesive which has made decorating....mmm, fun. We will just say I have used a lot of patch and paint. I have made mistakes here and there and it't not perfect, but it's because I did it. And of course with some help from my family and friends I am feeling settled and loving this new chapter.